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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29181057">handle it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talltoasterstruttle/pseuds/Talltoasterstruttle'>Talltoasterstruttle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nct stories UwU [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), SHINee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentioned SHINee Ensemble, One-Sided Relationship, Park Jisung (NCT)-centric, Read at Your Own Risk, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Park Jisung (NCT), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This is based off of my experience, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, depressed park jisung (nct), if there are any other triggering topics please let me know and I will tag them, nct is kinda rude in this ngl, shinee comforts Jisung, shinee is in this because Jisung is their son, triggering</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:14:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29181057</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talltoasterstruttle/pseuds/Talltoasterstruttle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He starts to silently cry, tears mixing with rain. He can’t do this anymore, he can’t keep holding them back, he’s hurting them, he’s the reason why they are always under fire. He knows he should try for his fans, but it seems like he has only haters, he doesn’t feel loved anymore. </p><p>Then he realizes, they never loved him, they never said I love you back, they always just rolled their eyes or look away sadly, he never understood until now. But now, here in the rain, he realizes, they loved Shotaro and Sungchan more than they will ever love him. The new members that they barely know, were more loved than him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jisung (NCT)/Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nct stories UwU [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>!!READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!! THERE WILL BE MANY TRIGGERING TOPICS PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN READING. THIS IS ALSO ONLY BASED ON MY EXPERIENCES WITH DEPRESSION. THIS IS VERY MUCH ME COPING.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jisung is lonely, he has twenty-two hyung, yet he feels like he has nobody. Maybe it’s how utterly sad he is, or maybe it’s the voices, telling him he has nobody but them. Some people have nobody, he reminds himself, some people had it worse than him and are still happy. Yet here he is, thinking about how lonely he is, instead of doing something about it. Maybe he’s just trying to pass it off as loneliness when in reality, it’s depression.</p><p>Jisung realizes, he’s eighteen, he should be happy, he shouldn’t be worried about the future, not when he’s so young. He’s sure if he told one of his Hyungs, they would brush it off, saying that he’s too young to be worrying like this. And they would be right, maybe he’s just trying to get attention? He doesn’t know anymore, but right now all he wants is this constant feeling of dread to end. </p><p>No matter where Jisung goes, there’s a feeling of dread, it’s endless, it feels like a bottomless pit, that he falls into, scared of the end, but at the same time, he wants it to end. Maybe this dread is a voice of reason, telling him that something bad’s about to happen, or maybe it’s just his anxiety.</p><p>It’s scary, in Jisungs mind, it’s like a jungle, so many different things, you can get lost so easily. It’s dangerous there, poisonous fruits, that you should never eat, yet Jisung always does. Some animals will rip off your face, eat you alive, and much more if you’re not careful. It’s scary in Jisung’s mind, even to Jisung, who’s been in it since he was born.</p><p>But there are more problems than just loneliness and dread, it’s not feeling good enough, it’s feeling worthless, it’s feeling talentless. He knows somethings wrong with him, but he’s afraid of not being normal, he wants to be like Chenle, cute, happy, and loud, everyone loves Chenle, but he’s horrible at being cute, he’s sad all the time, he keeps to himself, and the only people he knows well, don’t even say he is a close friend, he’s more like a side character, even in his own life. And it hurts like hell.</p><p>Jisung could blame it on the fact that he was abused for almost all of his life or the bullies at the schools he went to, but he decides to blame it on himself. After all, he’s the only person he can blame when he jumps off the roof. </p><p>The moment that he stepped through the doorway, the manager pulled him aside and told him that everything that will and has happened is his fault. And he’s supposed to trust the manager no matter what he says right?</p><p>Then the abuse he’s faced, his mother had died when he was young, his father took it out on him. He never physically took it out on him, and for that he was thankful, but the words hurt just as bad. It felt like knives stabbing him in the back, and he could do nothing about it. But family first is always what he had been taught, so he never blocked him out of his life, even though all they did was cause pain.</p><p>Then the bullies, who hurt him because they hate him for making it into NCT even though he’s talentless. And he agrees with them, he has no talents, he doesn’t even have visuals, so how did he make it? How did he get in when he’s a nobody when everybody treats him like he deserves nothing but the leftover crumbs of love. </p><p>Maybe there is a reason why he has problems trusting people, maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t feel like he deserves love, maybe it’s a sign that he should tell somebody. But he can’t, the fear of being hurt for being vulnerable haunts him. He hates how easily he cries, he hates how people all over the world have seen him cry. But he can’t control it, and it hurts. </p><p>“Alright everyone, let’s go over the dance again, then all of you Except for Jisung can leave!”  The dance instructor yells, he stands up and goes through the routine again, it was horrible. Jisung doesn’t know why he feels like he did horrible, but he just felt like he did so horrible. </p><p>Everyone excitedly left the practice room, Jisung hearing the ends of conversations about what to eat for dinner, all of them forgetting about him. His hopeful side told him that they were just exhausted and hungry, they loved him. But he didn’t feel it. But they said that they loved him. Only on camera though. He let his thought win, he wishes he could give up in more ways than one. </p><p>“You were worse than normal, and you are already horrible at dancing.” The dance instructor sighed, “I’m sorry-” “that’s not going to fix your mistakes get practicing.” The instructor interrupted, he was going to have to practice all night again, isn’t he? He nodded.</p><p>And he did, the instructor had left around eleven but told him that he can check the security cameras. That means he had to stay until four-thirty in the morning, Until he could get his part right, he stayed.  </p><p>When he started to pack up, the dance instructor had walked in, he had stayed so late that he wouldn’t even be able to go to the dorms, he just sighed, and went to the showers, the others wouldn’t be here for another thirty minutes. </p><p>It’s weird, he used to get a surge of joy when he dances, but now, he lost all motivation. All except for the fear of not being good enough and even that wasn’t enough to make him try some days. He just wants to go back to the days where he was carefree. </p><p>“Jisung we’re here get out of the shower!” An annoyed Renjun yelled. Jisung turned off the hot water and quickly got dressed. The moment he stepped out of the bathroom, he felt anxiety creep upon him. He wished he could just run back in there and hide, but he didn’t. Instead, he walked to his position. </p><p>And he danced, he danced better than last night. Even though he felt like passing out, dancing was all that mattered. When was the last time he ate? Wasn’t it a couple of weeks ago? Or maybe two days… He’s lost track of time, the days have all been blurred together.</p><p> For once, the instructor couldn’t find anything wrong with Jisungs dance. For once, he was allowed to go home with the others. He was the happiest he had been all week. But there was something off with the others.</p><p>The others seemed upset at him, they told him they didn’t have enough room for him to ride with them, so he had to walk. He guesses that they just want to spend time with the new members or maybe they were mad at him for making them start a little late, he doesn’t know.</p><p>and he walks, he walks halfway to the dorm before it starts to rain. He doesn’t run, he knows he should, yet he doesn’t have any energy, he barely has enough to walk. Then he gets thinking, and for Jisung, that’s deadly.</p><p>He starts to silently cry, tears mixing with rain. He can’t do this anymore, he can’t keep holding them back, he’s hurting them, he’s the reason why they are always under fire. He knows he should try for his fans, but it seems like he has only haters, he doesn’t feel loved anymore. </p><p>Then he realizes, they never loved him, they never said I love you back, they always just rolled their eyes or look away sadly, he never understood until now. But now, here in the rain, he realizes, they loved Shotaro and Sungchan more than they will ever love him. The new members that they barely know, were more loved than him. </p><p>When Jisung reaches the dorm, he heads straight for the roof. It’s his safe place, even if it’s raining hard. Nobody ever goes there, so he knows for a fact that he will be alone there. Much to his surprise, when he’s about to reach it, someone pulls him back. “Jisung, we need to talk to you” He’s even more surprised to hear that it’s Taeyong. </p><p>He sighs, not feeling up to a fight, he walks back down with him to the dorms. The walk down there is long and quiet, he can feel the rage from Taeyong, he’s messed up. But he doesn’t know what did he do?</p><p>When they enter the dorm, they tell him to put on dry clothes, and then they’ll talk. He nods, and goes to change, leaving them to glare holes into his back. Why were they so angry at him? Was the only thought that went through his head as he changed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jisung couldn’t stand this, he couldn’t keep living like this. He walked out of the dorm, tears falling down his face, barely breathing. He finally went to the roof, his legs felt like they could barely carry his own weight. He felt dizzy and lightheaded, he just wanted to be loved why was that so hard?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>!!THIS DOES CONTAIN SHINEE I WILL EDIT THE TAGS, BUT JUST A HEADS UP, ANOTHER THING, THIS IS JUST ME TRYING TO PROCESS MY EMOTIONS, NONE OF THESE ARE BASED OFF OF REAL EVENTS!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Jisung returned, he realized that all twenty-three members were sitting in the living room. He must’ve really fucked up. </p><p>“Jisung we’re all tired, but Haechan has brought it to our attention that you haven’t been trying. You’re supposed to be the main dancer, yet here you are, being the worst at it. How did you manage to make it onto a show with taemin?!” Taeyong said, his voice progressively getting louder. Almost all of the member’s gaze held the same rage as Taeyong. The only ones who didn’t were Sungchan and Shotaro, they looked more confused and sad than anything. </p><p>“But hyung, Jisung is doing really good? His dancing is amazing and his rapping is beautiful!” Shotaro interrupted. Jisung just looked at him with a sad smile, he felt grateful for them, but he knew that they wouldn’t stay like that. “JISUNG YOU EVEN BRAINWASHED THEM?! NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES YOU-” Taeyong was full-on yelling now. He said much more but Jisung faded the words out, they were mad at him, they hated him, they wanted him dead. </p><p>Jisung couldn’t stand this, he couldn’t keep living like this. He walked out of the dorm, tears falling down his face, barely breathing. He finally went to the roof, his legs felt like they could barely carry his own weight. He felt dizzy and lightheaded, he just wanted to be loved why was that so hard? </p><p>He finally arrived at the roof. Where he sat in the middle, rain pouring down, his hair getting in the way of his eyesight. He finally allowed himself to break down sobbing. He needed a way out, but he didn’t want to give up on his dream or give up his life. He was stuck, with nowhere to run.</p><p>He then remembered taemin, he had disappointed him so much by being this bad at dancing. But taemin always treated him with care, they were close, but they haven’t talk as much anymore as they both had to prepare for comebacks. Taemin said he was proud of him and Taemin wouldn’t lie to him. He still remembers when Taemin introduced him to his members, Onew, Minho, and key. They loved him so much that they had made a separate group chat with him in it. It was the first group chat he was ever in. They would cheer him up and make him smile, they were the reason why he hasn’t given up yet. Even if he hasn’t talked to them in around two months, he knows if he called them, they would pick up. </p><p>It’s sad, SHINee cares more about him than the members of his own group do. </p><p>Like they read his mind, his phone buzzed, he quickly moved to the overhang, and he picked up seeing that it was, his taemin hyung. </p><p>“Hey, bud! We haven’t talked in a while, but the others and I finally had a break, so we decided to call! Say hi!” Taemin said excitedly, Jisung smiled sadly and tried to stable his voice. “H-hi!” He knew immediately that they would notice, his voice wasn’t stable and he sounded like he was crying. “Hey bud what’s wrong?” Key asked, he sounded worried, which is what made Jisung break, even more, making him tell them what was wrong, what was happening, how he felt like dying. </p><p>“It’s just- my hyungs keep getting mad at me, thirty minutes ago they were yelling at me and telling me how I was horrible at dancing, and they asked how I managed to go onto a show with you, Taemin hyung. I don’t want this anymore. They don’t love me, and they never have!” Jisung sobbed into the phone. He felt bad for telling this to the people who have already been through so much, yet still managed to be there for him. “How long have they been doing this to you?” Minho asked, scared for the answer. “Around a year ago…”  Jisung whimpered. “Where are you now?” Onew asked worriedly, scared to lose the life of another. “I’m on the roof, I’m not planning on doing anything, it’s just my only safe place besides with you guys.” Jisung sniffled. “Okay sungie, we’re going to meet you up there alright?” Taemin said. “You don’t have to-” “we want to, is that alright with you?” “yes, thank you hyungs.” Jisung felt much more comforted, knowing that the ones who actually cared for him will be with him soon. “No problem, we care for you a lot, we don’t want anything bad to happen to you, stay on the line with us, okay?” “okay”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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